I Laughed

If there is one thing I've learned over the years about being on stage, it is this: never, under any circumstance, laugh if you mess up. This goes for anything. You drop your flag during a color guard routine in front of bleachers filled with people? Don't laugh. You forget a line in the middle of a monologue at Teen Talent? Don't even crack a smile. Your voice breaks in the middle of a show choir solo and all your family is there to watch you? Keep going. This rule is quite possibly one of the most important performance rules, and it has been drilled into me by every director I've performed under. There's only one problem...

Sometimes you can't help but laugh.

I was home the weekend of Valentine's Day, and our choir director asked if I would sing a couple of solos in the choir Sunday morning. I love to sing, and more importantly, I love to worship. Worshiping in front of a congregation is a lot different than worshiping alone, though. There is something about looking out over a congregation and seeing a group of people pursue God with their praise. It's one of those beautiful things that no description does justice. I think that is why I've always loved being on the praise team and singing in the choir. It's nice to be reminded that God is so great, everyone accepts the need to give Him glory. 

I'm a big advocate of transparency, as you may have noticed. With that said, that morning, I was nervous to stand in front of the congregation. In light of recent events, I had an irrational fear that people would be watching me and waiting for me to slip up. I know that sounds a little ambiguous, but it will have to suffice. In all honesty, it was silly of me to get caught up in feelings like those. Nine times out of ten, it's all in my head. And whether I'm being judged on stage or not, it is mandatory to keep my focus directly on God when I'm engaging in a worship service. I know that if I train my thoughts on Him, He can and will use me. If I don't, I allow room for mistakes. When I joined the choir that morning, I pushed all of the worry to the side. I was determined to worship like normal, and I did. 

When it came time to sing the second song, something happened. I allowed my focus to waver. I was in the middle of singing the first verse when I realized that I didn't exactly remember the words. Have you ever been in a service where someone flubs on the words and it makes the song take on an entirely different meaning? Yeah. That happened. Instead of saying, "We are a vapor. You are eternal," I said, "You are a vapor. We are eternal." As soon as the words were halfway out of my mouth, I couldn't help but laugh. The idea was so humorous to me, and the second part of the line ended up coming out in a giggle. Now, I realize it probably isn't good to laugh during a worship service, but I just could not help it. It was hilarious, guys. The laugh wasn't an obnoxious, slap-your-knee, kind of laugh. It was just a chuckle, but still.

I recovered quickly, and I looked up to see my Pastor's wife smiling at me, so I didn't feel too bad. The thing is, I was so worried about being genuine in my worship and trying not to mess up in front of people that I forgot to just worship. In that single lyrical mistake infused with my laughter, I acknowledged how ridiculous I was being. And as much as I contemplated what happened, I didn't feel like I had committed a cardinal sin by laughing when I messed up. I actually felt the opposite. I believe that my laughter, in a way, was worshipful to God. Sometimes it takes us screwing up to remember that God is our focus and our purpose, and that he deserves to be acknowledged above our worries, doubts, insecurity, fear, etc. Maybe that sounds nonsensical to you, but after it happened, I closed my eyes and was able to clear my head of all the debris that had been keeping me from worshiping with clear intent. 

I don't want to contradict the golden rule of performance by saying that it is, in fact, okay to laugh sometimes, and what you've been taught for so long is false. I don't have to. The truth is, worship and performance are two completely separate practices. When we acknowledge our God in reverence, whether it takes the form of a contemporary worship song, an honorable lifestyle, or a revelatory laugh, we have worshiped Him.